Monday, April 04, 2011
Sad and lonely
Hey nonreadership. I'm sad and lonely. Jeff and Alex moved to another building the other day, so now I'm the only member of this family left in this building. Angela is a shitty girlfriend. Not even can I really call her a girlfriend right now. There is almost literally nothing between us at this point with all the shit and all of her non-dealing with it. We used to have so much potential I thought. The final turning point I still feel is when she allowed Derek to dismantle my wireless network when he was over looking after his kid. And we used to try an do dinners but one too many blow-offs from her and I just stopped caring. I guess I still love her and I sure as hell enjoy making love with her but thats all we have and its few and far between now since she has allowed the Ministry to dictate her life. This 'relationship' is too painful, pointless and unfulfilling, and I don't know why I continue to take her infrequent and needy phone calls.
I gotta do something. I feel like I'm gonna fall a bit first. I'm feeling very lazy and slothful and not wanting to deal with anything. I am a bag full of excuses, I can always find something to blame my problems on but in the end I think it flows from my own inaction and indecisiveness about anything and everything. I dont feel like I'm being pushed and maybe thats what I need. Ah there it is excuses, see? I can't help myself lol.
I live here in Victoria BC, I rent an apartment and I'm all alone. I dont know anyone outside of the family members I moved here to be with and little circle of friends that Angela has and I dont know if I really connect with those people anyway. I feel a desire to be part of something but I dont know how or what I would fit into that would be worth doing. Something with mutual credit or local food or energy production might be cool. The thought occurred to me to go to the university just because. Maybe find out what it would take to be a student there and get access to their stuff, maybe find a scholarship or something. I have no idea but I feel without purpose and it pains be deeply. I have to do something but I'm not motivated? What the fuck is wrong with me and how do I pull myself out of it. Dare I say that I need help somehow? I wouldn't even know what to ask from whom and I sure as hell do not like asking for help at any rate.
Also I'm getting old (almost 32 now) and time is speeding up. The more it happens the less I feel equipped to deal with it. Time slips away and I accomplish nothing other than marvelling at the works of others and at my own ineffectiveness.
I gotta do something. I feel like I'm gonna fall a bit first. I'm feeling very lazy and slothful and not wanting to deal with anything. I am a bag full of excuses, I can always find something to blame my problems on but in the end I think it flows from my own inaction and indecisiveness about anything and everything. I dont feel like I'm being pushed and maybe thats what I need. Ah there it is excuses, see? I can't help myself lol.
I live here in Victoria BC, I rent an apartment and I'm all alone. I dont know anyone outside of the family members I moved here to be with and little circle of friends that Angela has and I dont know if I really connect with those people anyway. I feel a desire to be part of something but I dont know how or what I would fit into that would be worth doing. Something with mutual credit or local food or energy production might be cool. The thought occurred to me to go to the university just because. Maybe find out what it would take to be a student there and get access to their stuff, maybe find a scholarship or something. I have no idea but I feel without purpose and it pains be deeply. I have to do something but I'm not motivated? What the fuck is wrong with me and how do I pull myself out of it. Dare I say that I need help somehow? I wouldn't even know what to ask from whom and I sure as hell do not like asking for help at any rate.
Also I'm getting old (almost 32 now) and time is speeding up. The more it happens the less I feel equipped to deal with it. Time slips away and I accomplish nothing other than marvelling at the works of others and at my own ineffectiveness.
# posted by DeeLoaf @ 8:11 AM 
Comments:
Aww... sorry to hear this, Chris. I hear ya. It definitely helps one's motivation to have a meaningful connection with a partner, and also just to have a support network of good people around you. For me it wasn't hard to find both those things since moving to Nelson. In fact sometimes I wish I was a bit less popular, and then maybe I'd actually get some of my many projects done. :-P
I feel like there were a lot of "signs" I picked up on that led me to the Kootenays, and evidently those signs were pretty accurate for me!
I have a buddy in Nelson who seems to be short of "vision" in his life... He likes living here but he doesn't feel anything he's deeply interested in pursuing. He's a high school teacher and he recently got a job, which has helped give him some sense of purpose. He wants to do good things for the earth.. he was really moved by Ishmael when I gave it to him recently. But he's still just foggy on how to go about it. I'm not sure if his being a pisces dooms him to inaction.. my mom was one too, and she always complained about feeling aimless.
You're not one, though! Maybe that means you're not doomed like them. :-P
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I feel like there were a lot of "signs" I picked up on that led me to the Kootenays, and evidently those signs were pretty accurate for me!
I have a buddy in Nelson who seems to be short of "vision" in his life... He likes living here but he doesn't feel anything he's deeply interested in pursuing. He's a high school teacher and he recently got a job, which has helped give him some sense of purpose. He wants to do good things for the earth.. he was really moved by Ishmael when I gave it to him recently. But he's still just foggy on how to go about it. I'm not sure if his being a pisces dooms him to inaction.. my mom was one too, and she always complained about feeling aimless.
You're not one, though! Maybe that means you're not doomed like them. :-P
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